Emotional Diarrhea

Long post warning – Thoughts after a long day where my emotions spilled out of control.

(For clarity, by emotional diarrhea, I am referring to letting your emotions just spew out all over the place not to a clinical term for someone who has an upset stomach because of anxiety – nor am I making light of that affliction in any way.)

Let’s face it we have all had that moment of panic when the bubble gut (or tummy flippy floppies as my grown male friend calls them 🤔🤣) rumbles through and we are not sure if we are gonna inadvertently revert to our diaper wearing days and plant a cow patty in the ole drawers. Caleb still makes fun of me for the time I stopped in the middle of the gas station parking lot and told him he’d have to park the car while I sprinted in and went to the bathroom. The funniest part of that story was after I got back to the car and was looking for some Imodium in my suitcase. He thought I was changing underwear. Thankfully I wasn’t but you know what they say, “It happens.”

Recently, I had one of those days where I just felt off all day. Something just wasn’t right. Eventually, my emotions just erupted out all over the place. Let’s call it emotional diarrhea. I essentially crapped on someone I care about. And, just like real diarrhea, once it spills out where it doesn’t belong, not only is it messy to clean up, things just aren’t really ever the same again.

As I unpacked what transpired, it made me wonder what causes emotional diarrhea and how we keep the unthinkable from happening to us? A quick google search on emotional breakdowns or blowups gives insight. Being really tired, hungry, feeling overwhelmed, fearing life transitions, unresolved relational issues, anxiety and depression, stress, unresolved emotional trauma, grief and many more. Reading through the articles, it was pretty clear what was pressing my buttons but what wasn’t as clear was how to prevent another similar reaction in the future. Perhaps you can learn from my mistakes. (These are only my thoughts and I am by no means qualified to speak definitively on the subject of mental health or emotions.)

Low hanging fruit first – grief. I’ve shared openly about moms battle with pneumonia last summer and her passing in August. If you haven’t read about that, I’d encourage you to take a look. The posts are funny and hopeful. For the most part, I remember mom with great joy and hope. She had faith in Jesus and had the hope of heaven. She was a character in every sense of the word – larger than life despite her diminutive stature. I cannot tell you how many times I outright laugh re-living funny moments I shared with her. And yet, despite the hope and joy that I have, there are moments that wash over me randomly and paralyze me with grief. Truly random moments – like seeing a hummingbird at a feeder, seeing Lesuer Peas in a grocery store, seeing a little blue pill commercial (see previous post), finding an envelope with her handwriting on it and so on. In those moments, it is impossible to reason with my mind. Grief wins. Tears roll. Heart breaks. It doesn’t take much in these moments to explode in situations I otherwise wouldn’t.

Along with grief and the hole that creates in my life, there’s also the many other life transitions taking place. My whole world has changed in the last two years. I recently started sitting down to put on my socks and have declared war on nose and ear hair (comes with the aging territory I guess). The kids have graduated college and high school and they are becoming pretty independent. I’m starting a whole new season of life and facing unprecedented challenges. It’s a place I never imagined being and at times what progress I think I am making to forge my way through evaporates right before me. Most days, I am winning that fight. But some days, it kicks me in the teeth. Those are the days I really struggle to adjust to this new season and a new normal. Grieving the past and what was can be quite overwhelming, especially when I focus on it instead of the present and future. And, when I do, I am prone to explode.

All of this adds stress, right? Have I mentioned how much I love my job? It is a role I could have never imagined 7 years ago, or even three years ago for that matter. The challenge of learning a new industry and skills and helping the company face new challenges has been quite invigorating. And, the travel to new places and cultures is live giving. Yet, we’ve faced very difficult challenges this year and not seen the growth that we’d hoped for. For a minute, it felt like we had gotten close to the summit but it turns out it was a false summit and there will be a few more ridges, valleys and climbs to navigate. And of course, my old friend self doubt shows up and starts wiggling his bony slandering finger in my face telling me I’m not good enough and will never make it. Why do I listen to that voice so often in my life? Why do I give that voice power? I can’t answer that question fully but I know when I do give that voice power, I develop a very short fuse (insert your own height joke here 🥴). Explosion pending!

Now, mix in a little fatigue and hunger and the conditions are really ripe. Anybody else? How many angry outbursts I could have prevented if I’d only eaten before it was too late. Same goes with sleep for me. When I don’t get enough rest, I am just on edge in general and far more prone to lashing out in anger. And sleep has been challenging since I attempted to ride bulls. I have bone bruises and back pain that simply aren’t going away and I cannot get comfortable, especially on a new mattress. (I’d like to warn everyone that as you age you do not heal as quickly as you once did.). The bomb is ticking so to speak.

So, with this backdrop, the perfect storm happened – all of these hit at one time. Grief, transition, stress, hunger and fatigue in a single day. And in that moment, I lost all reason and acted purely out of an emotional response, crapping on my friend with my insensitive words. I immediately regretted it. I apologized quickly. They were gracious. But it sucked so bad anyway.

Listen, you don’t want to poop the bed so to speak because you got in your emotions. It’s embarrassing and you hurt people you never want to hurt. And to be clear, I am not justifying the outburst by looking at the root causes. It was my fault. I alone am to blame. I’m just trying to understand where it came from and how to prevent it from happening again.

So, how will I avoid this in the future? I’m still working that out but some ideas that come to mind are spending time in worship, keeping good routines, eating healthy, getting exercise (I haven’t been running like I was and the bull riding soreness is preventing me from getting some sweat therapy in), talking out what is going on inside of me instead of keeping it bottled up, living in community and avoiding isolation (but recharging with me time like golf, writing, fixing or building stuff), giving myself the same grace that I offer to others, and crashing the chatterbox inside my head. I guess I’ll write more about this as I journey down that road.

Chances are that’s not the last time I’ll have emotional diarrhea. Hopefully, though I will learn from this moment and avoid it as much as possible.

If you have the stomach for it, maybe next time I’ll tackle emotional constipation. But, that post isn’t ready yet.